Monthly Archives: November 2010

From the Bottom Up

As a young girl I was determined to do for myself. I always managed to have at least one job but sometimes more. Although I had aspirations of getting an education and going on to be a lawyer I ironically also thought it wise to drop out of high school. I didn’t drop out because it was hard. I had good grades and was in some honors classes as well. I on the other hand wanted fast money and to be out on my own. At the young age of 16 I dropped out and moved out of my mother’s home. By the time I was 17 I was working two jobs and had my own apartment. I tried to get my GED somewhere in the process but was told I was too young to test for it and decided to put it off for later.

By the time I was 18 I was a manager, pregnant, engaged, had my diploma, and in the process of purchasing my first home. I was very determined to find success and be successful. After the first few years of a turbulent relationship and another difficult pregnancy I was told I needed to slow down. At this point I was 21 and had to make the choice to quit my job in order to save my pregnancy. In doing so I made the decision to also sell my house because without my income I couldn’t afford to keep it.

This was a very difficult time for me. Going from a steady income, my own 4-bedroom house, 2 cars, cell phones, credit cards, and all the other adult responsibilities we impose on ourselves to nothing was a very hard transition. Having to depend on my family once again (because my now ex-husband couldn’t provide for us) hurt my pride. Although it was for only a two month period I went from having a lot to only having my children and the clothes on my back. I had to think fast as the birth of my next child was approaching fast. While pregnant and still unemployed I managed to get my family an apartment in a not so fabulous neighborhood. I also made arrangements to return to work when the baby was one day shy of four weeks old.

In the following year I was able to enroll in college and continue working but after two more years of nonsense my two young daughters and I moved out taking only what we needed. Although it has been a rough road we’ve managed to keep a roof over our heads, clothes on our back, and food in our stomachs.

In the process of going it alone I met a wonderful man and I now have not two but five daughters. It hasn’t always been easy but it has been well worth the effort. He was able to obtain a college degree first and now I am in the process of pursuing my second degree. I find myself again unemployed again by choice but this time because of my decision to attend an accelerated nursing program. Being unemployed and having five children has not always been a comfortable feeling for me but as determined as I am to become an RN is as determined as he is to push me along while continuing to happily support his family.

Although I’m again on the road from the bottom to the top I know I have no where to go but up. I am happier now than I’ve ever been and I know that while the road to true success, both personally and financially, hasn’t been easy it isn’t one I’d change. I appreciate everything and everyone I have in my life. I respect and love myself and I’m proud of who I am and what I have. I have a beautiful family, I have a loving partner, and I also have my dignity.

(Step)Parenting and Blended Families

Blended families are one of the most “common” types of families found in the United States today but being apart of a blended family isn’t always easy especially when there are children and issues from past relationships that have never been resolved.  Making a blended family work and last can be a difficult task but it isn’t a task that can’t be accomplished.

Blended families will face all of the normal obstacles of running a household in addition to many obstacles that other people set in their way.  Often times when two people move on and move in with each other they don’t have much choice but to bring their children from past relationships into the mix too, that is if they’re re-marrying or serious about their new relationship.  This can be a difficult time for the children as well as for the parents in and out of the new relationship.  What many people forget to focus on is the children or they do focus on it but in a way that isn’t helping anyone involved.

Something very important to take into consideration as the step-parent and as the parent of the child is that while you (the step-parent) may be fun, loving, kind, and patient you aren’t Mommy or Daddy.  When the child realizes that they like you they often times begin to feel as though they are being disloyal to their biological parent and feel guilty.  Once the child begins to feel guilty about their new relationship with you they may start behaving differently, shy away from conversations, or to prove their loyalty may go back to their parents and share information that may or may not be true.  This can make it difficult for you to be around them, you may begin to feel “hurt” or frustrated, and it may very well put a strain on your relationship.  The parent (in the relationship) may also become frustrated and they may be having just as difficult of a time as the step-parent because if they aren’t prepared to handle the situation they may be hearing feedback from their parents, their ex, you, and the child and who wants to be put into the middle of that???

The parent that is not living in the home may make the situation even worse than it is and although often times their feelings are very valid they need to be addressed and handled in a respectful way and at the right time.  Watching your child build a relationship with someone else, especially someone else who is taking your place, can be hard.  It also can be hard to let your child spend time with this person that you do not know but reacting negatively will only make it harder on the child and you have to really take the time to react appropriately even when your concern is valid.

There are some pretty simple ways to deal with this type of situation but unfortunately most people aren’t ready for it and once it gets out of hand it’s hard to get things back on track.  Since there are so many emotions involved the parent in the new relationship must learn to remain somewhat neutral but firm and hold their ground.  The key to making it work is to have the parent (in the relationship) take FULL control.  This is the only way to truly address the concerns of everyone involved and move forward.  What this person has to do is understand the obstacle that their new partner is facing, discuss it, support them, and keep a clear head when the stories start.  They must speak to their child about the changes taking place.  They must be sure to explain that their mother or father is STILL (and always will be) their mother or father and that the new step-parent is NOT there as a replacement.  Depending on their home situation they must also express to the child the importance of being respectful of any house rules and also respectful to the step-parent as a person.  In addition they should make it clear that their child can always voice their concerns openly without any judgment.  They must then address the ex (or the other parent).  This isn’t always the easiest part but if it is not done then it will lead to disaster most times.  The ex must know not to call or stop by the house all hours of the day or uninvited.  They must be prepared to discuss only relevant issues pertaining to the child and not bring up past relationship issues that are no longer of any relevance.  They must know that any disrespectful or instigating behavior will not be tolerated and that no matter what at the end of the day the most important thing is the child.

As easy as it was to type that I know that is easier said than done but the true key is really for one person to take control and it should never be the ex, the step-parent, or the child.  It is also important for the parent to not feel as though they are in the middle and have to choose sides.  It is not about taking sides since your child can never be your wife/husband and your ex is your ex (all very different roles).  It is about building a family, working out the issues, and moving forward in a positive manner.  If someone doesn’t take control it will get out of control quickly.  The parent should also never allow someone else to tell them what to do or how to feel.  They shouldn’t allow another to threaten them (with their child or anything else) and they should really focus on the people in their household (their new partner and child(ren)).  Respect for the ex’s concerns is important but it should not be given to the point that it gets in between them are their new partner and the household they are building.  Sometimes when all else fails counseling is necessary just so that an outside but objective person can help put the issues into perspective so that you can come up with your own solution in a rational manner.

Making a family work is never easy but it is by all means well worth the effort you put into it!

Our Future Together

A true test of the strength of any relationship usually occurs when tragedy hits or there is any alteration in the norm.  Stress can make people behave in funny ways sometimes pulling them closer and sometimes driving a wedge between them.  I have truly been blessed with a partner that stands by my side each and every time the “going gets tough”.  While things aren’t always easy we manage to hold each other up when it’s truly necessary and even while things are going right.  With him by my side I know that there is nothing we can’t do together and for this I am very thankful.  As each day marks one day closer to my graduation I look forward to a very promising future together.  Our children have been understanding and have sacrificed many things while we’ve taken the hard road to finding success but I know that just like our future looks promising so does theirs and together he and I will be able to give them all the things they’ve been missing as we guide them into their futures.

The Perfect Number 5

Usually when they say something is too good to be true it is so you can imagine my horror when the Perfect Number 5 ended up being admitted to the hospital this week.  I secretly was terrified that after having been blessed with such an amazingly laid back and happy baby that something really bad was in store.  The Perfect Number 5 in my eyes is just that perfect.  So perfect in fact that she often gets neglected so that I can tend to my very high-maintenance Number 2 and Number 4.  Not neglected in the sense that she is ignored, she is of course fed and diapers are changed, but neglected in the sense that I promise every 20 minutes that “Mommy is coming…” as she smiles from ear to ear but before you know it it’s bedtime and then she sleeps all night and I rush off in the mornings only for a repeat of a very hectic day filled with the demands of Number 2 and Number 4.

The Perfect Number 5 came as a bit of a surprise, but the good kind, the kind I’d never, ever give back. The Perfect Number 5 entertains herself, she smiles, she laughs, she coos, and she does not cry AT ALL unless she is hungry or hurt.  No whining, no fussing, no high demands.  I love that each of my children has their own unique personality but I must say I felt truly blessed when the Perfect Number 5 entered the world with such ease, patience, and forgiveness.  While she is over the hump and home from her hospital stay I still am fearful that she is too good to be true.  On the other hand I’d like to think that God gives you what you need and He knew I needed someone to offset the insatiable Number 2 and Number 4.  I will continue to count my blessings and be thankful that the Perfect Number 5 chose me to be her mother and I will undoubtedly continue to melt each time she lights up the room with her eyes.

What Does It Take to Be Successful?

Success can be something that you feel inside yourself or something you measure.  Many people are raised to believe that if you are dedicated and work hard you will eventually find success.  It may not be overnight success, but success none the less.  Other people are in search of the fast road to success and might not waste time with honest work but may prefer to use what they “got” to get what they “want”.  I’ve always been the first type.  I enjoy working hard, I am honest, and whatever I do, whether it be something big or something small, I do it to the very best of my ability.  I without a doubt take pride in my work knowing that even the littlest things matter to someone.

These days the question is if hardwork really pays off anymore.  I  find more often than not that no matter how hard you work sometimes it’s who you know and what your willing to “sell” to get it and not so much what your capabilities, education, or skill levels are.  I’ve never been very good at puckering up for anyone. If you can’t appreciate me for what I know and what I’m capable of I’m not really interested it what you have to offer anyway.  Maybe that’s me but I’d rather feel good about how I got something.

Recently I had a conversation with someone who told me “you gotta kiss it ’til you can kick it”.  What she said made me smile because while I know that it’s not my strong point I’m beginning to adopt the concept.  I’m learning to bite my tongue without ofcourse disrespecting myself.  Success is something that can be measured with money and awards but it also can be felt internally in the form of satisfaction.  You have to decide what success means to you and what you’re willing to do to get it.  In the end I know all my sacrifice and hard work will indeed pay off.

This Too Shall Pass

These have always been my mother’s words to me when things get tough.  When she first starting saying it, it wasn’t very comforting.  It’s hard to see how something will pass when you are stuck in the middle of it but after a while it started to make more sense.  The more I got passed the hurdles I was dealt the more I realized she was right.  I’ve come to realize that I will face many more obstacles as the years go by but I’ve also come to realize that while I may learn a lesson and carry it with me I will not remain in a negative state for long. When I’m sick, nervous about a test, giving birth, frustrated about my circumstances, short on cash, you name it, I just keep telling myself that “this too shall pass…” and nothing bad will last forever.  Even though my mother and I are countries apart her words have gotten me through many situations and allowed me to keep my stress at a healthy level.  I now focus on the things I can control, ignore the ones I can’t, and take each task on with the knowledge that the clock keeps ticking and I will undoubtedly make it through.

Children or Marriage

I’ve always been curious to find out why people think having children is less serious or less of a commitment than committing to another person and getting married.  If two people get married they can certainly get divorced if they’ve found that they’ve made a mistake.  After a divorce two people typically can walk away from each other without ever looking back if they choose but if they have a child with someone whether they like it or not they are tied to that person forever.  I’ve had this conversation with many of my male (and female) friends over the years and when I bring up the topic of marriage they look at me like I’m insane but in the same breath complain about their upcoming court dates for custody and child support.

Reality is both children and marriage should be taken seriously but why does it seem like having multiple children with multiple people out of wedlock is much less serious than actually saying “I do”.  I’m not in anyway passing judgement but I am curious as to why we do not take our children’s futures more seriously.  Divorce isn’t good for anyone and people shouldn’t marry unless they are really committed but should we have children when we ourselves can’t commit to anything or anyone?

When I bring up this subject it is important for me to point out that I’m not referring to men or women who walk away from their children and never look back.  I’m referring to parents who WANT TO be apart of their children’s lives.  Wouldn’t it be much easier to have them once we’ve committed and once we’ve created a stable foundation for them.  Sometimes divorce is inevitable (children or no children) when we make the choice not to work at it (I mean both parties) and that can get messy for everyone but so can court dates and multiple children with multiple people.  It’s no fun for a child to watch their parents argue and belittle one another or for multiple women to come and go or men for that matter.  So if we’re not getting married because we don’t want to get divorced and hurt our children maybe we’re not ready for children to begin with.

What Defines Family?

After my latest post, Monogamy…Natural or Not, I had some very interesting conversations regarding how a family is defined, monogamy, polygamy, and the pros and cons of marriage.

The question here is what defines a family? Older generations once defined a family as a man, his wife, and their children although in today’s society we seem to define it not so much on composition but more so by household and the presence of love and support. Families today seem to vary by convenience, resources, and culture. I find many more people living at home with multiple generations under one roof as well as children being raised by extended families. The most common new style family seems to be blended families where two individuals run a household with children from previous relationships as well as their own children.

Regardless of how a family is comprised I think the most important thing is that the house becomes a home and the children living in it are loved, supported, and encouraged to to be themselves and reach their goals. More importantly I think that families also need to work harder at building an unbreakable bond that allows for a permanent foundation and a support system that will stand the test of time. It’s easy to fend for ourselves when the going gets tough but really being able to stick together in times of tragedy or financial hardship is truly an art. It is something that undoubtably is worth working hard for.

Monogamy. Natural or Not?

I recently read an article entitled, Were We Really Born to be Monogamous? The author, Dr. Marianne Brandon, stated that only about 3% of mammals are naturally monogamous (2010). In a sense those numbers are surprising but on the other hand they’re not.

More and more frequently you find that everyone around you is unfaithful in some way shape or form. In the same breath you hear that what people really want is loyalty. How can we be loyal if we aren’t monogamous?

Why do people cheat? Is it because we’re mammals and of the 97% or is it because society has made infidelity so common that it is expected and condoned? As parents are we teaching our children responsibility? Are we holding them accountable? Do they understand that there are repercussions for their actions?

I do not believe that society could take such control over our children unless we were allowing it and I do not believe that infidelity would be so accepted if we as individuals didn’t allow it. But what do we, the faithful and monogamous, do when we find that many of the men or women we choose think they should be forgiven for their affairs?

Are second chances warranted? By forgiving are we giving permission? If we stay are we then cheating ourselves? Do people change? These are all questions I can answer based on my opinion but is there a right or wrong answer?

My honest overall opinion is that we are monogamous creatures whether by choice or by God’s will. We were made to enjoy sex for the purposes of procreating although now more so for pleasure. But can we as a society revert back to the way it was and how it still is in many cultures? Back to truly monogamous relationships and loyal partnerships.

There are many benefits to monogamy and I do not believe that we’d feel such betrayal if it weren’t natural. Today more than ever it is important to consider those benefits. By remaining with one partner we are protecting our bodies from diseases that can not be cured. We are teaching our children about loyalty and trust through demonstration. We are also building a partnership that should allow for survival in hard economic times.

We only have one body. We should protect it. We are responsible to educate and guide or children. Not the media. Our paycheck can only go so far. If we are feeding 3-4 households how can we expect to get ahead or truly survive in times like these?

I do not have the solution for this growing problem that is affecting divorce rates and single parent homes everyday but what I do know is that if we expect our partners to be faithful we need to communicate it and we also need to communicate what makes us happy and/or satisfies us both physically and mentally. If a monogamous relationship is what you’re looking for then both parties must be willing to communicate and compromise until satisfaction is obtained on every level. In such a diverse nation it is no longer realistic to believe that your values are the same as another’s. Vocalize them and be ready to stand your ground even when you feel as though you are standing alone.

Brandon, M. (2010) Were We Really Born to be Monogamous? Retrieved November 7, 2010, from http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/were-we-really-born-to-be-monogamous-2407272/

The Amazing Number 4

There are many words I could use to describe Number 4 but the most appropriate one that comes to mind is amazing.  Number 4 is my 20-month-old daughter.  She is intelligent, funny, and innovative.  Her attention to detail is like no other.  She drives me crazy chasing her around everyday as she is always 12 steps ahead of me but she is worth every single second of frustration.  I never could have imagined that each one of my daughters would be so different or that each one of them would be given so many talents.  I love all 5 of them the same but without a doubt appreciate their uniqueness.

Number 4 will likely make me bald by the time she enters kindergarten.  She can open child-proofed cabinets, unlock doors from the outside, and obtain items you’d think were unreachable.  There is no sense in child-proofing anything when she comes around.  As I said before her attention to detail is like no other.  After watching you once she can mimic what you did the first time around and usually better than you.  She not only watches what we do and repeats it but her timing is impeccable.

About the time she was 11 months I started locking the chairs in a room so she couldn’t climb on top of the table or counters.  That didn’t stop her though.  She just drags and positions other pieces of furniture or items in the house to where she feels they are needed and gets on with her climb.  I have since given up trying to protect her from herself.  I often find her perched naked on top of the dressers in the closets or in the shower with the water turned on laughing at me as she is fully aware of her ability to spite me.  There isn’t much I can do aside from buying a cage that could contain her.  Her spirit and determination are never-ending and there is no sense in trying to trap her.  I have decided to let her continue to explore but I keep my arms open to catch her.

There is no rest for the weary when Number 4 is around but without a doubt she has been brought into this world with a purpose.  She is amazing.